Lead or Lose
Leadership is a burden, but it’s also the cornerstone of masculinity and success. As black men, it’s time we have a serious conversation about stepping up to lead or accepting the consequences of losing our influence and respect. Too many of us have fallen into the trap of romanticizing our roles, seeking validation from others, and misplacing the responsibility for our growth. Let’s break this down.
The Leadership Crisis
Growing up, many of us, myself included, misunderstood leadership. We carried the weight of masculine responsibility but sought balance in ways that undermined us. We wanted our partners to motivate and drive us, to meet us halfway, believing this was an equal partnership. But let’s face it—this mindset puts us in a power deficit.
Leadership doesn’t mean waiting for external motivation, especially from women. Women can inspire, yes, but the core drive—the fire to lead and achieve—must come from within. When we rely on our partners to be our source of motivation, we pedestalize them, thinking we’re being “good men.” But this dynamic places undue pressure on them while weakening our own foundation.
The Problem with Romanticized Masculinity
Other groups of men often laugh at how we romanticize masculinity. We prioritize being emotionally driven, partner-focused, and overly dependent on validation. This is not leadership; this is an imbalance. Women, understandably, struggle to respect this approach. It’s difficult to admire a man who proclaims leadership but depends on others to push him forward.
Masculinity is about standing on your square—taking responsibility, making decisions, and guiding with strength. It’s not about toxicity or being domineering; it’s about clarity, focus, and an unshakable sense of purpose.
Lead or Get Out of the Way
Here’s the harsh truth: either you lead, or you step aside. Putting the responsibility of leadership on your partner’s shoulders is not virtuous; it’s unfair. Motivation, goal setting, and vision are not “standard” traits expected from anyone else—they are part of being a man.
We often think avoiding leadership makes us progressive, non-toxic, or more likable, but this mindset cripples our potential. Black men, in particular, must stop believing that asserting our masculinity is inherently problematic. Leadership isn’t toxic—it’s necessary. It’s the antidote to the challenges we face collectively.
Reclaiming Masculine Leadership
This isn’t about being perfect or pretending we have it all figured out. I’ve been there—I know what it’s like to feel unsure, unprepared, and to question my own masculinity. But every time I surrendered the responsibility of leadership, I felt weaker.
To reclaim leadership:
- Own Your Purpose – Understand that your drive and vision come from within, not from external sources.
- Stop Seeking Validation – Leadership isn’t about how others perceive you; it’s about fulfilling your role with confidence.
- Reject the Power Deficit – Stop placing others on a pedestal to justify avoiding responsibility.
- Embrace Growth – Leadership isn’t innate for everyone, but it can be learned. Start with small steps and build from there.
Final Thoughts
Leadership is not a burden to escape; it’s a responsibility to embrace. When you lead with clarity, strength, and purpose, you inspire respect—not just from others, but from yourself.
It’s time to leave behind the romanticized ideals of masculinity reserved for love songs and embrace what it means to truly lead in the real world. Because the choice is clear: lead, or lose.
Learn more on my Kelvin Jasi YouTube channel. Thank you!
Peace.